The nightmare.

Where do I start? Its been a long time since I last updated. Things haven't been easy without our little girl and sister. I never understood grief till we lost Ella. Grief is not something that just goes away. It can effect you for the rest of your life. I have been noticing lately that a lot of our support is on Facebook. But when it comes down to it there is only a selected few outside of facebook world that has been with us since she passed away. Going on.......

When I was a little girl I had this dream of growing up and raising a daughter. Doing her hair pretty and dressing her up. My dream came true only problem is that it came to a short end. The two years we had with Ella was spent a lot in the hospital. When we were not in the hospital it was spent doing things Ella loved. Her favorite thing was being outdoors. She would beg to go out. The night Ella passed is a night I will never forget. NO ONE saw what I saw. Being on the side of the road doing CPR on my two year old is not the way I would have wanted it to end. Ella stopped breathing in the car. I immediately stopped the car got out while I was dialing 911 and picked her up, took her to the sidewalk. Her eyes were wide open, and she wasn't breathing.. She wasn't breathing... I started CPR on my girl. I never in a million years thought I would be put in this position. After about 5 minutes of doing CPR (Which felt like eternity) A cop drove up and assisted me in doing the CPR till the firetruck arrived. As soon as the fire truck arrived they immediately took Ella from me in her lifeless body and took off down the road. The only words I remember at that time was hearing an officer asking me to sit down and listen to him. The only thing on my mind was is my daughter going to live? After a few minutes of being questioned the cop took me to the hospital. I was taken down a hall and into her room. They sat me in a chair next to her bed as there was many doctors and nurses working on Ella. She had tubes coming out of her mouth. Her clothes had been cut off her. As my parents arrived I hugged my mom and the only thing I could say is shes not going to make it, shes just not going to make it. The doctor came out and talked to me. He said that things were not looking good. But that if they could get a heart beat they could life flight her to a local children hospital. My husband showed up with our two boys in each hand. He went in with Ella for a few minutes came back out to me and said we need to pray. So we went into a hall held hands and prayed for God to not take her. As we returned the doctor came up to me and said we have a small heart beat and might be able to fly her out. He asked me to come in a feel it. As I went to put my finger on her skin to feel her heartbeat it had stopped. The doctors worked on Ella for a hour. They had reached as far as they could go. The doctor came out and explained that they had tried everything they could. But that her heart just didn't make it. My dream of having my little girl had been taken away from me. How was I going to explain this to my other children? The nurses let me hold my baby for 10 minutes when a chief with the police came in and said I needed to put her down. They had opened an investigation because I was doing CPR on the side of the road. That would be the last time I held Ella in my arms. How could she be gone. She had a great day with her sister and brothers. Painting, coloring and doing puzzles. What did I do wrong? An autopsy was preformed and the diagnoses was sudden infant dealth caused by Dandy Walker Malformation. Ella was 100% healthy except for her Dandy Walker. Her shunt was working properly. There is a lot I have left out but its things that I experienced that I wouldn't ever want anyone else to experience. This was the worst day of my life. For the last year I have had to try to explain to our older son why his sister never came home. His best friend. All of our hearts have a big hole in them. We may have to go on with life, but the grieving and the hurt will never go away.. NEVER. We miss you Ella more than anything in this world.