It's been quite a while since last wrote in my blog. It feels like Ella passed away last night. The pain and feeling of that night never fades. Some days are worse than others. We stay strong in the outside but we are falling apart in the inside. The only thing that keeps me strong is my kids. I come home and they brighten my day. Sad thing is we have lost a lot of friends. The thing that they don't realize is that it causes us more pain and loss. So on top of losing our daughter, we have also lost close friends. I was told a few years ago by a friend that they cant be friends with me because they are worried that they could lose a child. Losing a child isn't contagious. Just because I'm a grieving parent doesn't mean you will lose yours. My daughter is the strongest i know. She fought hard to be here for two years. If doctors did the research and took care of my daughter, she would still be here today. The doctor that looked after her let her health fall in the cracks and to him. I'm ashamed at myself for believing and trusting him with my daughters life. He knows who he is and yes I let him know that he dropped the ball on my daughter. He will have to live with that the rest of his life. Just like I will have to live with not taking it further and beyond that doctor. My heart aches daily on what i could have done different to help my daughter be here longer. Is there anything I could have done to keep her here? Or was it really her time to be with god. No one will ever know for sure. But what i do know is she helped me learn so much and I'm so grateful that she's my daughter. I know she's proud of her brothers. I can see her in their eyes.
If there is one thing to learn from a grieving mother that has lost half her heart. It is that life is never the same after a loss of a child. It's like a bandaid you can cover the broken heart. But it never fully heals. Time passes and it feels like your heart is as broken as the day she passed. But you learn to go day by day and try to be strong. I may seem fine on the outside. But IM IN PAIN on the INSIDE.
If you know a grieving family be there, support them and don't run from them. They need you to be there for them. You don't have to say anything. Just be a friend and don't lose hope in the family.
With love,
Grieving mother
