The end of the road.

Today I decided to sign into my blog. Its very hard to come back to this blog and see all the improvements of Ella. Than to look at right now and she is no longer in my arms. On June 27, 2014 I woke up and decided that it would be fun for the kids if I went to dollar tree and got some fun activities for them. I got them paints, Paper, Puzzles, Whistles. Ella had this beautiful smile all day. As the day went on she continued to be happy and content. She acted like her normal self. 7pm rolled on and I had noticed that she was becoming fuzzy. Not thinking anything of it I thought she was just sleepy. I rocked her back and forth in my arms walking outside in the backyard, than decided to walk to the front yard. As I took her outside she vomited all over. I thought to myself that maybe she just ate something bad. I took her upstairs and got in bed with her. She became very sleepy. She would sleep for about 10 minutes than she was back to being sick. Matt and I put her in the bath tub. She seemed fine just really sleepy. She nodded her head that she wanted to get out of the tub. So we got her out and had her get in bed with me again. After a little bit it seemed to me like her breathing was slowing down. I got really concerned and yelled at Matt to come look at her. We decided that I would take her to the hospital in case it was her shunt again. Matt placed her in the carseat and said daddy will see you in a little bit, I love you baby. We never knew that this would be the last time we would see her alive. I cant post everything that happened, but I do want to get out that I never thought I would lose my child. I always thought I would be taken long before. As I sit here today at day 17 I look back and try to see what I could have done differently to save her. Was my breathe while doing CPR not powerful enough? Did I do the CPR wrong? What did we do that day that might have taken her? Was it the gum in my purse? Did the paints that I got hurt her? I have a million things going in my head as to why she was taken from us too soon. I was told that Ella would be with us all our lives. I miss her hugs, her kisses and her holding my hand. My life will never be the same without her. I pray to her everyday at her grave that she will come tell me she is okay. But as of today I still don't know if she is okay. Today I have decided that I need alone time, today is my first day without anyone with me but the boys. I look around and wish she would just come climb on the couch with me and wrap her arm around my arm like she use to. Look up to me and smile with that big green binkey in her mouth. But than I snap back to reality and shes not here. Shes not smiling at me, shes not playing with Brayden. Shes gone. My heart is broken into a million pieces and its not like when you have a break up with your boyfriend. Its like my heart was ripped out of my body and I was left with a limp body. I just don't understand why she had to be taken from us, why do we need to be punished. If I had noticed the symptoms earlier could I have saved her? No one can answer this for me I know. But I will go the rest of my life wondering what I could have done different. Life is about trials and this is definitely the biggest trial of life I have ever and will go threw. I love you my sweet Ella! I miss you more than anything and wish I could have you back.